The Firsts

My Child,

It’s your birthday!

 Do you know how proud I am of you? Wait, you don’t!At least not now, anyway.

Right now I can’t help myself thinking about the day you were born. I keep thinking about your firsts. Your milestones.

When you were a month old, I wished you were already 3 months old because I could use a longer sleep. Nothing much really happened except you just fed, pooped, and slept. And oh, yes, you cried ,too. A lot!

When you were 2 months old, you started cooing and smiling. That was such a delight hearing your tiny baby voice.

At 3 months, you started laughing and that’s when your curiosity became obvious.You also started rolling on your belly.

At 4 months, you became very friendly with EVERYONE! You try to engage them to play with you by shrieking,smiling and cooing. You would laugh at anyone who talks to you.  That was the first time you realized you had legs. You would put your legs up while lying on your back just to have a look of your feet.

At 5 months you would suck on your toes when you realized you can actually put it on your mouth.You appreciate toys but you get bored so easily.

At 6 months, you started eating solids. You started teething and your 2 lower front teeth broke through a week before you turned 7 months.

At 7 months, you started to differentiate family from strangers. So you are not as friendly anymore. You didn’t want strangers approaching you and touching you. You’d cry if they insisted.

At 8 months, you started talking in single syllables. You said “Mamm-mmmma” but I’m not quite sure yet if you did that on purpose or just randomly spitting out words.

At 9 months.you 2 upper front teeth broke through at the same time. It was so painful you had fever. We’d enjoy your tricks like counting your fingers, clapping and wiping your hands, and batting your eyes.

At 10 months you’d show preference for me than Daddy, at least most of the time. You first started to stand up on your own! That’s without the aid of your walker. Such a huge achievement. I was so proud of you!

At 11 months, you know now what you want and don’t want. Nodding sideways says your serious about saying “No”.

And a week before your birthday you took your first step! You walked towards Mommy. It only took a few paces before you fell, but that beat everything you did so far!

There’s only one thing I’m sorry for. I’m just so sorry I don’t know the dates of your firsts. Although I wanted to record them all, I just couldn’t because your dad and I are so busy with everything going on. However, let me assure you, Drea baby, that no matter those dates, I’d remember those days from my heart.

And today will make your most important first. Your First Year in this world. Your first year being with us. That’s the date I won’t ever forget.

I love you,

Mom

A Letter From My (Pregnant) Past

Exactly 1 week from today is Andrea’s first birthday.

And today I got a suprise on my email. It turns out, as I’ve forgotten, I wrote a letter to myself on this same day last year. Reading it brought back feelings I’ve forgotten about until today. Let me share it to you:

Dear FutureMe,

I’m almost giving birth to our first baby girl. We named her Andrea Nicole.

I’m very excited and scared at the same time. Excited that Rey and I are finally going to have our own little kiddo to cuddle and keep. Life for us is finally moving forward with all the waiting in our life. There’s one more wait though, and I hope and think it won’t be that long, God willing.

I’m scared too, because of the pain of childbirth. I’m doing everything I can to follow doctor’s orders so I could give birth normally and hopefully easy and with no complications. I often wonder what it feels like to finally see little Andrea crying on my arms. I wonder if I could bear the pain or more so, I wonder if I’ll live through it. God willing, I hope so. I am so looking forward to a life with Rey and Andrea. I pray to God that he make me stronger and braver for the impending birth.

Pam
(from Mar 15, 2011)

Back then, I didn’t know I was going to give birth 7 days later. Now, Andrea is turning 1 in a week!

To my old self 1 year ago, I now have the answer for you:

You made it. The labor pain was excruciating but it was like nostalgia. Regardless of the pain, I still wanna go through it again. For Andrea. It was worth it. Yes maybe it’s motherhood.

I know now how it feels like for Andrea to cry on my arms: it’s horrible. No, I don’t mean the baby. I mean, it feels horrible when I can’t comfort her enough to calm her. It feels frustrating that I sometimes don’t know what to do when she’s in her I-don’t-know-what-I-want-I-just-wanna-scream-my-head-off moments.Nevertheless,I’m past that stage(thank goodness!). But now that she’s almost a year old, the crying has changed too. But it’s still horrible to see that she’s crying because she had a bad fall.These are the moments when I feel like I’m a bad parent.

You finally have a life with Rey and Andrea. It was difficult, having post-natal baby blues at first but it passed. And things got better when you got better sleep. The adjustment wasn’t easy but you are willing to give everything for the little one.

As for Andrea’s milestones, she can now almost walk. She stands on her own and there are days that she’s brave enough to walk to almost a 2-meter distance. But there are also days that she’s too afraid to take just a single step.

She now undertands a few words and instructions and her tricks can brighten everyone’s day. Sometimes she whispers things to me, that only she can understand. But I nod in recognition to encourage her some more.

Rey and I are addicted to her giggles so when we play, we make her giggle so much until she’s almost out of breath.

It’s not all fun,though.There are stressful days too and I get mad at her for being too naughty. What I dread most is changing her diapers because she just wouldn’t stay put. It’s an everyday struggle.But I know she’ll change. She’ll get better.

Speaking of change, in a few weeks, the biggest change will come. We’ll be moving to Canada.  This calls for another set of adjustments. Another set of challenges. So yes, this is the ultimate sign that life for us is really moving forward. But this is not the end. This is actually the beginning I was waiting for so long.

For now, all I can do is wonder.

Hello there, Stranger!

Believe it or not, although you have carried your baby inside you body for nine months, it’s a totally different story when he or she comes out.

I remember telling my mom before I got pregnant, that taking care of a newborn is a piece of cake. All they do is eat,sleep and poop. I shrugged my shoulders and said: “No biggie.” My mom looked at me, gave me an expressionless stare and said: “Right.” She probably knew that I’d eat my words someday.

That someday came. It wasn’t a piece of cake, it was a piece of chicken sh*t.

I forgot that babies cry too and newborns probably do that more often that feeding or pooping. My Andrea cried a LOT!

To me, it felt like meeting a stranger. Yes. A stranger.

I was elated, beyond happy when  I delivered her. But I was also as frustrated when I didn’t know what her cries meant or when I couldn’t tell if she was tired or hungry. I didn’t know this person, I didn’t know her. I was meeting someone new.

Despite the numerous baby books you’ve read, the non-stop googling,the internet baby articles, the instructional videos or the old fashioned mom-to-mom talks,  you never really know until the baby arrives. Not everything you read will apply to your baby and most of what I read, except a few, had been useless. It all comes down to instinct.

I hated it.I hated not knowing. And I hated hating everything. I didn’t feel bonded with her. It was difficult and terrible.I was throwing emotional tantrums. I picked fights with my husband. I had crying spells. I wanted to scold my baby for crying again.

However, I came to realize that precisely because of those difficult moments that you grow as a parent. (Who ever said parenting is easy?)  So with patience there came enlightenment then learning and eventually appreciation: that even though it was difficult I’m still willing to go throught it again.

What Andrea taught me:  ” Be patient Mommy. Time flies so fast. Enjoy every moment because I won’t be a baby forever.”

Why I named her Andrea

My list had gone over to 50 names. That included Ela, Natalie, Gabriella, Summer, Luna, Lily, Mandy and I even considered Hermione. Pathetic!

I wanted something to mean strong. It only seemed appropriate because I didn’t know I was pregnant with her and I’ve been through a lot of stress, did activities without physical precaution, ate food that I shouldn’t have, took inappropriate medications for someone pregnant. The day I suspected I was pregnant was the day I felt a momentary stabbing pain on my belly. As I look back now, I think I could have lost her that day. But I hadn’t. She held on.

Then one day, it just dawned on me: Andrea. Like a person in love, there was a spark. I knew it was the one.

And as if the universe has conspired, the name Andrea, I came to find out, meant strong, brave and elegant.

Then I asked my niece Nikka,just for fun, what name would she like to give my baby. She blurted out without a moment’s hesitation, “Andrea!”

My jaw dropped. (We didn’t tell anyone our choice of name yet.)

So, that sealed our choice your our baby’s first first-name.

Andrea . As I said it, out came the breath of satisfaction. I couldn’t imagine naming her otherwise.

So now begins my journey as a mom. Learning things from the little Andrea in ways only a child can offer.